The Hardest Thing
by Emony1
Summary: I missed it. Like I miss everything else in their lives.
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Hardest Thing 1/5  
Author: Emony  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Alex Krycek belongs to Chris Carter, etc. Dawn and the other Buffy charcters belong to Joss Whedon.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: Season 5 end Buffy, AU Season 9 end X-Files.  
Summary: "I missed it. Like I miss everything else in their lives."

* * *

I missed it. Like I miss everything else in their lives. It's for the 'greater good' I keep telling myself, she understands, she does understand, all too much.

It's why she exists as she does, it's why I'm her only real family left, blood family anyway. Yeah, I know all about the 'Scoobies'. It'd be hard not to, they're the only thing that kept my girls going.

I wanted to be there, but I couldn't be, I'm not out yet. The only reason I'm here now is because there's enough room for me to dissappear for a week or two. Then I have to go back for the final push.

To be free. To live in this world is the hardest thing, I told her that. I told her it, trying to explain, back when she was really struggling with her calling, why we do these things, why I had to pretend to be someone I'm not, why she had to put her life on the line every night.

It's so that one day we can all be free. It may not look like it, but we were fighting the same war, from the same side.

Now you're thinking, who are they? My girls? What did I miss? Why? What war?

I'll tell you some of it, it'll be the truth too. You're laughing now, Alex Krycek tell the truth? It's all I've ever wanted to do, but I'll ask you, have you ever been deep undercover, so far under that you have to do anything they say? Didn't think you had.

That's my truth, you've never seen the real me, what you've seen was an act to get inside, but they were beginning to figure it out. That's why my real bosses are pulling me out.

Yeah, yeah, I know I'm stalling but that's what you need to know before I tell you who they are. So that you won't see them as bad, wrong, evil, because they're not, never could be.

My girls? They're my baby cousins. Mom was ten years older than Aunt Joyce and she had me when she was very young.

Buffy and Dawn.

How come you didn't know we were related? They can keep some secrets you know, you wouldn't think it, but they can.

And now Buffy's gone, that's what I missed, her funeral, I know I couldn't have prevented her death, but Dawn needed me and I wasn't there. Oh, I know she had the Scoobies and the bot, but can you imagine what that's doing to her? A robot of her dead sister. She can't tell anyone why she's upset because her sister's right there!

I know, I know, the saftey of Sunnydale depends on that robot, the 'greater good' and all.

Now I've been sitting in a parked car at the end of Revello Drive for over half an hour. It's time, one of them has probably spotted me by now. Sloppy, Alex, sloppy.

I park the car in front of the house, someone's been mowing the lawn, I would guess Xander. Have you ever noticed how long this path is? It feels like whole minutes have passed to get to the door. I knock.

There's a slight scuffle behind the door, "Buffy! No!"

But it's too late, the door opens and there it is, I'll say it because it's not her, and I know it. It puts on a bright smile.

"Hello! I'm Buffy! Who are you? How may I help you?"

And that's how I found out about the robot earlier, it's far too perky to be my girl. She lost that the day she became a Slayer.

A young man comes up behind her, half smiling, half suspicious.

"I'd like to speak to Dawn please." I say. That smile dissappears in an instant.

"She's not here." Terse and to the point.

"Dawn? She's my sister! L'il' Bit!"

"Buffy, why don't you go and find Willow?" Xander says, annoyance seeping into his eyes.

"Yes! Willow!" It turns to me and smiles, "She's gay now!" and leaves.

Xander coughs and tells me again that Dawn isn't here, but his eyes change as he says it and I know she's just walking up the street, I don't turn to look.

"Do you know when she will be home?"

"No, I don't know when Dawn will be home." He answers a little too loudly, then his eyes widen as I hear Dawn's feet pound along the path as she runs toward me.

"Alex!"

Smack

She runs full tilt into me and puts her arms around me, I'm home.

End part.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: The Hardest Thing 2/5  
Author: Emony  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Alex Krycek belongs to Chris Carter, etc. Dawn and the other Buffy charcters belong to Joss Whedon.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: Season 5 end Buffy, AU Season 9 end X-Files.  
Summary: "I missed it. Like I miss everything else in their lives"  
Authors Note: Huge thanks to SiN for looking these over for me.

* * *

"Dawn the hardest thing in this world... is to live in it. Be Brave. Live. For me."

That was the last thing she ever said, before she jumped, to save me, to save the world. A world that needs her far more than it needs me.

I mean, what would you rather have? The best slayer ever, or a fourteen year old girl who, if she bleeds in the right conditions, the world's gonna end? Exactly, you're gonna pick the slayer. Shows how clever she was. I was going to jump, but the stupid cow wouldn't let me. I mean, who's gonna miss me? Xander, Willow, Tara, Spike, Anya? They miss her more. I'm not even real am I?

Ok, who else? Dad? I've never met him. Not really. Since I became more than a ball of energy all we've heard from him is a few, late, cheques. We couldn't even get a hold of him when Mom died.

I only really have one person left. I'm not reallydaft enough to talk about this with my friends. Buffy's still here isn't she? She looks exactly the same. Warren did a great job. She. I really want to say 'it', 'cause it's not a she. It's a robot! But Willow says, listen to that, Willow says. She's become the real boss of us. Anyway, Willow says, she knows it's not her but we have to act like it is.

Does she even know how hard that is? Ok, of course she knows, but it's not fair! Now I'm sounding like a whiney teenager, but hello... I think I'm perfectly entitled to it. They can't expect me to bounce back from this and be the same, can they?

Oh! Sorry! My one person left? Alex. My cousin. He's great. Why hasn't anyone ever heard of him? Hello... he's an undercover agent, out saving the world. Don't laugh, it's about the only secret Buffy and I have ever been able to keep! He's like a big brother to us, me. And I can't even tell him about Buffy. Oh, he knows that she is, was, the slayer, but if my letter is opened the secret might be out, there's no slayer on the hellmouth.

I've never really met him either but we write all the time, well, when he can get letters out. OK, so it's usually emails. He knows these guys, The Lone Gunmen, yeah I know, lame. Anyway, they're like the best with computers and being paranoid. Well not as bad as Alex or that guy he always mentions, Mulder. But the Gunmen help Alex out.

Alex is great, although he's the one that gave her half the words for her stupid speech, it sounds like something he would say. I wish he was here, he'd let me talk and the he'd hug me or just sit in silence and hold my hand.

Oh, he'd talk at some point, actually it's kinda hard to shut him up sometimes. You should hear him, and it's so interesting I don't even zone out! He'd be a great teacher, but then it might be the subject, which he'd probably get locked up in a mental institution for talking about!

School's been finished a while now, I'm walking home, I don't really want to be, but where else can I go?

Turning the corner I almost expect everything to be back to normal, maybe Mom pulling to the curb, or Buffy waiting at the roadside tapping her foot and getting all impatient 'cause I'm late.

"No I don't know when Dawn will be home."

What? My head shoots up. Alex!

"Alex!"

He's here, I know it's him, I can't see his face yet, but it's him! I run full pelt, the quickest time down the front path in months, and I hug him. I'm home, and I want to be here.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: The Hardest Thing 3/5  
Author: Emony  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Alex Krycek belongs to Chris Carter, etc. Dawn and the other Buffy charcters belong to Joss Whedon.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: Season 5 end Buffy, AU Season 9 end X-Files.  
Summary: "I missed it. Like I miss everything else in their lives"  
Authors Note: Huge thanks to SiN for looking these over for me.

* * *

I'm home, but right now it's a little hostile. They haven't given me a chance to explain myself yet and they're all a bit pissed that they can't get Dawn, who they won't listen to, to leave this stranger alone.

"Dawn! This guy could be dangerous, we don't even know him!"

"You don't know him Xander, you."

"Dawnie, why don't you come and sit here on the sofa, you're crowding the poor man."

This Tara girl's a little more subtle than Xander. It still doens't work, she's still sprawled across my lap. I'm resisting the urge to smirk, it wouldn't help my case.

Why are we waiting? Anya and Giles need to close the Magic Box and they 'suppose' they should wait for Spike. The cheek! This guy is helping to keep them safe, he's helping Dawn and they 'suppose' they should wait!

We're in the main room and the front door opens, it's Anya and Giles. Anya's floored by my presence, they were just told it was an emergency.

"Dawn, why are you sitting on the strange, but hot man's lap?"

"Anya, hon, why don't you come sit down?"

Xander, skirting the subject again. Anya sits down and has a whispered conversation with Xander. Probably asking if they can tell everyone of the engagement yet.

How do I know? They're making me wait, you can wait too.

Giles has a puzzled look on his face, but he sees Dawn looking more at home than she has done since Buffy died, so he makes an effort.

"Rupert Giles." He introduces himself, holding out his hand. "You may call me Giles as the children do, if you wish."

"Giles!"

"Yes, Xander?" He turns to Xander knowing already how each person in the room has handled the situation so far.

"N-nothing."

"Alex Krycek." I say as I shake his hand.

"I would guess you have not had much of a chance to explain your presence. If you don't mind waiting a short while longer, we have one more of our number."

I almost laugh at the outraged looks on the faces of Xander and Willow and the half smile from Tara.

"That's ok Giles." I say.

"Would you like a drink? I find that it is often required in tense situations such as this one."

"Yes, thank you, Anya. Do you have any Diet Coke?"

Anya smiles at me and leaves for the kitchen, ignoring Xander's glare, as Spike barges in the front door, he doesn't notice me.

"What's the emergency then? I had a poker game tonight." He says as he slouches into a chair. Then he notices me.

"Spike, mate."

"Alex Krycek."

"Right, what's he doing here then?"

"That's what we want to know!" Xander says rather indignantly.

I do laugh this time, he hasn't let me get a word in edgewise yet. Dawn turns to me, a brilliant smile on her face.

"Alex." She admonishes, trying not to laugh herself.

Anya re-enters and hands me my drink, I murmur my thanks.

"Now, if we could let Mr Krycek explain his presence." This from Giles, who seems to genuinely want to know.

"Alex please." I say, then I ask a question I know will at least raise a few eyebrows. "Where's the robot?"

The shock is clear on their faces, Dawn answers, she knew how I knew, as did Buffy.

"It's upstairs recharging it's batteries."

"Dawn!" This from an arranged Willow, who then adds, "She, Dawn, She."

Dawn ignores that comment. "He knew anyway, I bet he knew before he got here, and you said they met?"

Willow nods.

"He'd know from that anyway."

"H-how?"

"Why don't we let Alex explain himself?" This from Giles, clearly getting irritated with all the interruptions.

"As you know my name is Alex Krycek, as you may not know, Sarah, my mother was Joyce Summers' older sister."

"Buffy never mentioned you." Willow countered not quite believing me.

"My job requires that I have a little to no contact with family and friends, and that my existence should be kept secret."

"What are you, a spook?" Xander's catching on.

"I'm an undercover agent for the government. At the moment anyway, my employers are in the process of pulling me out of my current assignment which is why I was able to dissappear for a while."

"How long a while?" Dawn asks, suddenly downcast.

"A month or two, then I have to go back in for the final push."

"Are Mulder and Scully involved?"

"No, but we're hoping to involve them in our attack on the Consortium once I'm out, if we can find them."

"Find them? Oh, yeah, they're on the run, won't the Gunmen be able to contact them?"

"Most likely. And we'll also bring in Skinner, Doggett and Reyes."

"Hold on a minute." Willow this time, "You say you're a secret agent?"

I grimace at the term, then nod.

"How come you can tell Dawn all the details then, and let us hear this conversation?" She folds her arms, ha!

"I know all your secrets, why shouldn't you know mine? Buffy and Dawn found out my job the night Dawn and I discovered Buffy's calling."

Before anyone could butt in again I plowed on.

"Dawn and I found out while they were still in LA, two nights before the gym burned down. I told them then."

I then went on to give a basic explanation of the Consortium, my position as an infiltrator in the Consortium, the aliens and the X-Files.

The Scoobies seemed unable to believe my until Dawn added, "What, you can believe in Slayers and vampires, but not aliens and giant conspiracies? Are you forgetting our own alien problem?"

That swung them a little. Willow spoke next, her and Giles appear interchangable as group leader, with no Buffy to take that place.

"Suppose we believe you, I'm not saying I do yet," She hastened to add, "How do you know our secrets, and how did you know that she was the robot and not Buffy?"

She seems determined to find a hole somewhere.

"This starts with the Initiative." They gasp, "Buffy and Dawn already knew of this."

I squeeze Dawn's hand as they turn to glare at her.

"The Initiative was a branch of the Consortium, I didn't find this out until you knew of them, or I would have sent news earlier. By the time I discovered the Consortium's connection to Sunnydale, Walsh had already started her own side project, which when found out was fully endorsed by the Consortium, the perfect super soldier."

A shudder does the rounds of the room, I appear to have broken them of their incessant interruptions.

"The Initiative had cameras across Sunnydale which have since been under the control of the main branch of the Consortium. This house doesn't have any, neither does Xander's apartment. Giles' home, the Magic Box, the student dorms and many other parts of Sunnydale do, including several near Glory's tower and several in each cemetary."

The shock is once again clear on their faces.

"I had the one in Giles' house destroyed accidentaly several months ago, as soon as I became aware of it. Before the cameras all I learned came from the letters and emails from my girls, Dawn and Buffy. I knew of the robot once it was made. Buffy's final hour was on camera, I caused a technological malfunction so that the tape was destroyed. No one in the Consortium knows that the robot is not Buffy. Even without those tapes I would have known it was the robot when I arrived. My biggest clue, not being recognized by my own cousin. Now if we're done, I believe Dawn is falling asleep. I'll get her to bed and leave you to deliberate my words to form your own truths and opinions."

I get Dawn to bed and enter Buffy's room, the robot is 'asleep'. I sit down in front of the bed so that I am unable to see it and all its paraphenalia. I let myself absorb the room, it tells me of my cousin, who has done more to save the world than anyone I know, including myself and Mulder.

I finally allow myself to cry, silent tears roll down my face as I remember and console.

Death was her gift, she gave it freely, she's happy now. We can learn to go on, to live as she would have wanted us to.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: The Hardest Thing 4/5  
Author: Emony  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Alex Krycek belongs to Chris Carter, etc. Dawn and the other Buffy charcters belong to Joss Whedon.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: Season 5 end Buffy, AU Season 9 end X-Files.  
Summary: "I missed it. Like I miss everything else in their lives"  
Authors Note: Huge thanks to SiN for looking these over for me.

* * *

After my 'exposure' to the gang Giles and Spike warmed to me immediately. Believing the truth, being wise enough to see. Tara came around soon after, much to the annoyance to her girlfriend, mostly due to the way I treated Dawn. 

Although that caused problems too. While Giles and Spike were willing to let me into her life, not that they could have stopped her or me, and Tara saw how Dawn seemed more alive, Xander and Willow seemed unable to accept my presence.

Neither of them was ready to see the truth, colonisation, and the end of life, as we know it. Perhaps that had more to do with them becoming jaded, to having seen several 'end of life as we know it' situations already, and this new threat being so far away.

Dawn was their main problem, not herself, but the way in which we interacted with each other. Xander, once again, was displaced in his role as 'older brother', as he was by Spike and Angel before him. What he didn't understand was that role had been mine long before it had become his.

And Willow, her problem was power and control, which should have tipped me off to her later behavior. With me in the house she was loosing her control over the occupants. Giles was leaving to go back to England in a week so she should have been it, the leader.

I know, maybe I was overreacting, right? She was trying to take away my role as Dawn's family. She was trying to protect her home and the town from the raving psycho who was obsessed with ET. Doesn't she remember the alien that was in Sunnydale a few months ago? That was unrelated to the Consortium, by the way.

You're wondering Anya's opinion? She didn't really seem to have one. She seemed really fidgety and uncomfortable, more so than usual. Part of that was due to wanting to announce her engagement. Part of it was due to my arrival and all that I brought with me. But a lot of it was due to the insane plan to bring her back.

Oh, I didn't know about it until after the fact, just like Spike, Giles and Dawn. I was 'too close', I wouldn't have been able to 'finish it' if something was wrong, how deluded are they? Do they forget who and what I am? Their real reason was they knew if I had known I would have stopped them.

But they did it, she's back. My Buffy, home. But she's not really is she? Oh, I know she's here but she doesn't feel, I can see it. She's lost something. She had her gift returned. I don't know if she'll ever recover, I hope to God she does, but I don't know if she can.

Dawn senses it too, that wrongness. Don't get me wrong on one side of things it's wonderful she's here, but is here where she wants to be?

Willow can't really see what's wrong, she knows something's up but she just puts it down to Buffy readjusting. To her coming back from the 'hell dimension' Willow's so sure she was in. She's ignoring Buffy's pain and riding out her power high.

* * *

I'm still finding it hard to realise she's really here, but she is. She's with me right now when I had thought I'd never see her again.

I'm just doing that thing my girls' love so much. I'm sitting next to her on her bed in silence just holding her hand, being there for her. I realise I'm not the only one finding it hard to understand. She leans against me, her head on my shoulder; I switch hands and put my arm around her. She's allowing herself to break down, she knows she doesn't have to be strong for me; I can be strong for her. When no one else really can.

I hold her while she cries tears at the injustice of her life. At some point her tears slow.

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Why?" Her voice was breaking. "Why am I here? Why did they do this to me?"

My heart bleeds for her. "Because they love you and they didn't wish for you to suffer."

"Suffer?" She laughs harshly. "They really do believe I was in some hell dimension don't they?"

I hold my tongue, knowing she needs to let this out.

"How wrong could they be? I was safe, I was happy, I knew that everyone would be ok."

She breaks again, I hold her in my arms while she shows her pain.

"Alex?"

"Mm?"

"I think I was in heaven, this is the hell dimension."

I just continue to hold her as she cries, stroking her back until her sobs eventually subside. She's asleep; I pull back the covers and place her under, settling the covers once more.

I look over her, looking like the angel she should have been allowed to be and my heart breaks for her.

I look in on Dawn, who is sleeping less soundly than her sister, I stroke her hair until she calms, her nightmare over, for now anyway.

I descend the stairs and head for the kitchen, my face, for once, betraying my emotions clearly.


	5. Chapter 5 End

Title: The Hardest Thing 5/5  
Author: Emony  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Alex Krycek belongs to Chris Carter, etc. Dawn and the other Buffy charcters belong to Joss Whedon.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: Season 5 end Buffy, AU Season 9 end X-Files.  
Summary: "I missed it. Like I miss everything else in their lives"  
Authors Note: Huge thanks to SiN for looking these over for me.

* * *

The kitchen was empty except for Willow, who was sitting at the table eating a piece of toast. The radio was playing softly in the background.

She looked up from her deliberations of the fruit bowl, flinching at the look on my face, her eyes showing her fear at the conversation to come. Her wonder as to whether this was to be worse than the conversation I had overheard her having with Giles a few days previously.

"Alex." Her voice wavering.

"Willow." My voice harsh and cold.

I let her stew as I headed for the fridge reaching for the orange juice, finding a glass in the dishwasher, and drinking slowly. I sigh contentedly as I finish, slamming the glass on to the drainer, she jumps.

I turn towards her and ask the question that I have been waiting to ask her for days, "Why?"

"I-uh..."

I don't let her continue to rummage for an answer. My voice quiet, so as not to wake the rest of the house, but full of menace, "Why bring her back? Why do that to her Willow?"

She flinches again and finally finds an answer from within. "It wasn't her time."

"It wasn't her time?!" I laugh harshly.

"Let me finish!"

I nod.

"It wasn't her time, she is still needed here on Earth."

"Willow, Willow, Willow. Death was her gift and YOU tool that most precious gift from her. She gave her life for her sister, for you, for the world and you threw it back in her face."

And now she plays her trump card, the one she use to cover up her purely selfish reasons for bringing my cousin back.

"She was suffering in some hell dimension! Don't you understand that? I couldn't let her stay there!"

I cannot believe this girl, she can't see past the end of her own nose. How can she be so sure that Buffy was in a hell dimension? Can't she see the pain Buffy is in now? Would she be feeling that if she had been in hell?

I'm shaking my head, about to ask her these questions, when my cell phone begins to ring. Damn it!

"What?" I growl into the mouthpiece.

Willow takes this moment to escape. And now the thing I've been dreading the most has come at the worst possible time.

I have to abandon them. It's time for the final push. Why is it called that? It's not final, it's just getting me out of the Consortium, and it's not even the end of my involvement in this mess.

* * *

It's morning now. The three of us are sitting on the back porch, faces to the sun. And I'm trying to think of a way to break it to them.

"You're leaving aren't you?" Buffy.

"Time for that final push?" Dawn.

I look at them in shock, I should have known really. They're smart, my girls.

"Yes, I am."

Tears are trailing down all three of our faces; I pull their hands into mine. We sit in silence for a moment. Dawn breaks it.

"When will you be home?"

Home? She's right, this is my home. They are my home.

"I don't know." Their shoulders slump. "It could take days, it could take years."

"Just come back to us Alex."

"I will, Buffy, I will." But I can't really promise that can I? And they both know that but every once in a while we all need that lie that makes everything better.

My phone rings three times. That's my signal.

"It's time."

We rise, I hug them both, and we head inside. Buffy spots my bags by the front door and hands them to me.

They stand in silence on the front porch holding hands as I drive off.

I can't wish them safety, being who they are they will never truly have that, but I can wish them strength, although at times they may falter, they will always have strength.


End file.
